Trigger Scale: (1/5)
To sum it up simply, I started having an interest in starting therapy again at the start of this year because my life is the same shit it has always been. I think the best way for me to illustrate this point and to really drive it home, I should explain what a typical week/day looks like for me, and has for the past 10 years:
- Not working – I have no “real” excuse since I work from home and for myself
- Beating myself up for not working and not having financial freedom
- Lack of discipline in daily grooming – brushing teeth, showering, eating, exercising, etc.
- Lack of discipline in regular chores – cleaning, cooking, shopping, car maintenance, etc.
- Beating myself up for my lack of discipline in all areas of life
- Interpersonal issues
- Severe, sometimes only moderate, social anxiety
- Panic attacks – usually they are not too bad, sometimes they take me out for a whole day
- Flashbacks – not fun
- Night terrors – mostly every night, I’m talking sheet soaking, waking up multiple times startled as fuck. Recently I have even found myself waking up crying, WTF?
- Overall depression and lack of interest
I feel like I struggle daily with regular tasks that most people take getting accomplished for granted. But in the past I had just accepted this as part of MY life. I try to do the best I can with any given day. Some days I give up on getting anything productive done, others I almost feel like a normal, hard-working adult who is part of the functioning society.
And that is when the bell rung for me – I didn’t KNOW HOW to heal. With that realization I decided I needed to give therapy another chance, from a completely different perspective.
In the next post, Why I Started Therapy AGAIN – Part 2, I will explain exactly how I came to the realization that I wanted to give therapy another chance (for what?, at least the FIFTH time).