Trigger Scale: (1/5)
Learn what a “session splash” is.
this is part 2 of hour 1, a continuation of yesterday’s post, “Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*”.
hour 1 (part 2)
- What did my therapist and I decided about this blog and her reading it?
- What is my therapeutic status?
What did my therapist and I decided about this blog and her reading it?
i asked my therapist what we had last decided on the blog? but really i wanted to ask “what did we decide about you reading my blog?” because when we had last talked about it she seemed to have some reservations about whether or not she should, maybe from a professional standpoint or for the course of my therapy. not sure. i was not able to ask because i felt that maybe she had forgotten about something and it make me feel really awkward.
she answered with discussing what we had last decided about the blog during the last session. we had talked about the fact that she may read parts of it but that it was still therapeutic for me to discuss things that i had written in therapy as well. that basically writing doesn’t excuse me from discussing it, because this is important. i told her that i agreed.
i also said that i thought maybe the session splash posts would be useful for her to read since they are basically my notes on our last session, from my perspective. they include further analysis of what we talked about as well, allowing me further insight. i rambled about how i thought that it was helpful for me to write it out, because it gave me another layer of processing of our sessions. i usually process everything for a few days anyway, but now i write it all out after that, then process it all over again from a new perspective for a few days, giving me a full week of processing between our sessions.
overall i feel that i should re-discuss this issue with my therapist, asking her why we never went back to a yes or no and whether she was even going to read it. then we might want to agree on what parts she will read/will not read, and what areas i feel comfortable with her reading, etc.
What is my therapeutic status?
i next had written down (i sometimes bring notes of what i want to talk about to my therapy sessions) “what is my status?” and “how am i doing?” but i could not be that direct. instead i opened with “i know this is the kind of question you don’t like”…but she shrugged her shoulders and said “try me.”
i told her i did not have the words to ask (although i did, which i do often). so instead i asked something like “how am i doing for me, for where i am in the process?” i do not remember what she said, but i may have continued before she could answer, with “i wish i could see how other people ‘do’ therapy?” and “i would like to watch someone else have a session”.
she asked me “why?” i said i would like to weigh my strengths and weaknesses. i wonder if i hold myself back or could be doing better. i am just curious how my experience of therapy compares to others as well. she had two suggestions:
Therapist Suggestion Number 1
first she suggested that we video tape our sessions. she said she hated doing it and watching them, but it can be very revealing. i had the immediate reaction of clamming up, as video taping makes me extremely nervous given my abuse background (read a related story here – Trigger Warning!).
she let me get nervous, and i stammered on about how i just couldn’t. i recalled a story about being video taped the first time in drama. i remember studying the plays really throughly and doing really well in practice, until they brought out the video cameras. i would just stand there, frozen to the floor. everyone was puzzled, including my teacher (and me!). she asked me what was wrong, i didn’t know so i dropped the class the next semester.
i told my therapist i wasn’t comfortable with this and that this is just where i was at. she said she felt like an ass for even suggesting it and apologized. i could tell she felt bad. i said i would be comfortable with audio taping though. we had tried this before, but i didn’t like it or it did not work for some other reason.
now that i know about my abuse history a little more, i am comfortable as long as there is no video (although i do appreciate that this WOULD be extremely helpful, but i just cannot now). i think this will also help me write my session splashes, especially with recall.
Therapist Suggestion Number 2
she next suggested the television series on HBO “In Treatment” noting that it may not be representational at all and that she had not watched it. i have now watched the full first season and will review it in a few days. i liked it a lot! it is entertaining and helpful.
i will cover the rest of this session, hour 2, tomorrow in Part 3.