Trigger Scale: (2/5) **

Tonight I feel so small and alone, with tears always about to come. I have no idea what is wrong, except that I am lost and god has forsaken me. I prayed so hard for his/her guidance, support, and help when I was younger and being abused daily, but never received any answer or reprieve.

I have to believe that god doesn’t exist or has left me alone, and I can only ask myself why? What did I do to be so ignored? Why have I seen and felt so much pain? Why has god forsaken me?

I feel so empty, ignored and invisible. I would do anything to believe that I have a place in this world, but I feel no connection. No connection to this earth, the people here, or anything in it. I feel isolated, as if I am floating in a blackness, separated from everyone else. So much pain in me that I feel everyone should be able to see it…yet there is no one and nothing…

Not even god is here with me anymore…any maybe he never was.

I am broken, and maybe cannot be fixed. I may be lost forever…

What helped me tonight (or allowed me to feel/ponder deeper):

  • I took a short walk to a nearby park, which was dark and abandoned at 1:00 a.m. There were about 30 bunnies surrounding me, and I just laid in the middle of the grassy field (and bunnies!), starring at the sky, asking god for a sign, for anything…
  • Tonight I am really connecting to these songs: Sia – Breathe Me and The Veronicas – Untouched (because I feel untouched by Love):
  • I felt I needed a smell to calm me, and my normal incense, Nag Champa was just was too familiar to do the trick. I know I shouldn’t have, but my roommate had a party and had a few bouquets of flowers so I stole one of the wilting roses. I have been holding it under my nose and it has helped to remind me of nature, and the beauty it can contain…
  • I believe the above ideas were an organic thought/feeling continuation of a post I read on another blog, Crackers & Juiceboxes, about grounding.
My Monster Has A Name… actually many. This blog is a safe place for me to share my healing journey from childhood abuse. The topics covered are at times controversial, offensive, horrific, and hopefully sometimes inspiring. Thank you for sharing in my journey.