Given Up****

I have fought my whole life to not give up. I think about suicide daily. I always have. It’s normal enough for me now.

I have tried therapy, but the money always runs out. It runs out because I cannot work and deal with this at the same time. I have tried, and I have failed. More times than I care to recount.

Then things got worse….

I will never tell anyone what I have been through. It’s too much to bare. It is worse than anything I ever thought I had been through, but it can no longer be denied. I know what I have been through. My recent memories that have boiled to the surface can not be lived with. There are just some things in this word too heavy to handle. It can sometimes be that simple.

So I have given up. I’ve asked for help – there isn’t anyone here. I have no family – and not in the woe is me my family kinda sucks way. My family DID this to me. They are sick and I have not spoken to them in at least 5-8 years, and I never will. Believe me when I say they are not FAMILY. They are just people who abused me or ignored the abuse. I have no friends. No one likes a depressed person who doesn’t even care about themselves. No one has ever loved me. I accept that.

BUT, I will NEVER understand why SO many people turned away from my abuse. I will never understand how people can get away with the atrocities that were committed against me. Except I do know how. People who have money can PAY to make ANYTHING go away. ANYTHING. They have enough money to hide all their dirty secrets…

So today I gave up. I cancelled everything…Facebook, phone, bills, clients, and closed my business. I’m done pretending that things will get better. It’s just a lie. The kind of therapy I need cost more than I could ever afford. So realistically things will only get worse.

The realistic thing to do it to end it. But I’ve never been able to. I don’t know where to go from here, but I know I’ll be in the streets soon.

Feature Image Give Up by shortpinay via DeviantArt

My Monster Has A Name… actually many. This blog is a safe place for me to share my healing journey from childhood abuse. The topics covered are at times controversial, offensive, horrific, and hopefully sometimes inspiring. Thank you for sharing in my journey.

4 Comments

  1. Hello Elle,

    Thank you so much for your note. I can’t say how much coming back to this space has helped but even more so coming back to even a couple comments from people who took the time out to care. This means so much to me and is something I can come back to to remind myself that not everything sucks – when it seems like it does.

  2. Thank you Spuddy. I am still alive and kicking and here. I think most importantly though I still have hope. I am still trying to move forward. There are less and less days and time between the good days and this brings more hope. I can’t say that I still don’t suffer with these issues but I CAN say I know how to deal with them better and am committed to getting better at it every day.

    Thank you so much for helping to add to my small pile of hope.

  3. Hey there!

    I just stumbled upon your blog and and can’t say I know what you’ve been through or that I know you or anything about you, but I do know that you’re human. If you’re reading this, you’re a live human being, and that counts for something. You are human, and that means you can be loved. You are alive, and that means you have a chance. There’s a reason you haven’t been able to end it. It’s because there’s something worth saving. Please have hope. You are beautifully and wonderfully made and you have done so so much with the sorry lot that you were given. I hope this is not too late. I don’t know you, and I might never know you, but somehow imagining that the very real person who wrote this blog is not on this earth anymore makes me feel like I’m being ripped in two. That’s kind of bizarre isn’t it? I guess you could say you’re loved.

    Really though, please live.

  4. Hi,

    have never come across your blog before and am just really sorry for that.

    Have read some of your posts and can see how hard you’ve fought to survive. Just hope so much that you don’t “end it”, or end up on the streets.

    Sending our best wishes your way.

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