I have fought my whole life to not give up. I think about suicide daily. I always have. It’s normal enough for me now.
I have tried therapy, but the money always runs out. It runs out because I cannot work and deal with this at the same time. I have tried, and I have failed. More times than I care to recount.
Then things got worse….
I will never tell anyone what I have been through. It’s too much to bare. It is worse than anything I ever thought I had been through, but it can no longer be denied. I know what I have been through. My recent memories that have boiled to the surface can not be lived with. There are just some things in this word too heavy to handle. It can sometimes be that simple.
So I have given up. I’ve asked for help – there isn’t anyone here. I have no family – and not in the woe is me my family kinda sucks way. My family DID this to me. They are sick and I have not spoken to them in at least 5-8 years, and I never will. Believe me when I say they are not FAMILY. They are just people who abused me or ignored the abuse. I have no friends. No one likes a depressed person who doesn’t even care about themselves. No one has ever loved me. I accept that.
BUT, I will NEVER understand why SO many people turned away from my abuse. I will never understand how people can get away with the atrocities that were committed against me. Except I do know how. People who have money can PAY to make ANYTHING go away. ANYTHING. They have enough money to hide all their dirty secrets…
So today I gave up. I cancelled everything…Facebook, phone, bills, clients, and closed my business. I’m done pretending that things will get better. It’s just a lie. The kind of therapy I need cost more than I could ever afford. So realistically things will only get worse.
The realistic thing to do it to end it. But I’ve never been able to. I don’t know where to go from here, but I know I’ll be in the streets soon.